The Midnight News 7.05.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 07.05.01

Smackdown, Bagwell, Insider Trading, WCW, SummerSlam, He's back, and why Canada blows. 

It's the greatest day of America's year... you stinking commie bastards.

I'm Chris and I'm a bit drunk. Okay, we got that out of the way... good.. all cards on the table. You know the score. Just so you know. Yes.... I am a bit drunk. Not BAD bad drunk... just drunk. Scaia sucks wang and all is well in the world. 

Drunk is nice. It's libberating. It blocks the pain if only for a little while and frees your inner essense. It's times like these I grow the balls to go outside and lie down in the middle of a fairly busy street naked. I would like to announce that Widro is a.... no, I won't say that. I like the little rascal. He's the type of kid I could give noogies to. Come'ere, ya little squirt.

I'm not totally gone... I remember everything I am doing and .... let's go on.

SMACKDOWN THE SKIDS

Here are the total spoilers for Smackdown tomorrow night. I give them to you because I am a mean, vindictive, bitter, evil, buttlicking prick! I hate you and I hate me and I hate joe momma. DEAL WITH IT!!

The results of Smackdown are as followed.......

It'll come on at 7:59 est pm and go off the air at 9:56 est.

HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! KNEEL BEFORE ME, SWINE!!!

BUFFY THE HEATKILLER GAYER

Buff Bagwell is not going to win shot at Stephanie's vag anytime soon. He is not making friends in the WWF. 

Buff was all set to get a WWF mid-card beating on the show tomorrow, with the coupe de graceland being a big Bradshaw powerbomb. Well, he took it, then complained that his neck was injured and to not move him. The wrestlers thought he was lying and beat him up some more.

1Scherer points out that Bagwell is famous for feigning injuries in WCW and refusing to do jobs. They also said that we have one message waiting for us at... OH, F**KING POP-UPS!!!!

I do believe that Buff is about to become an example to all former WCWers.... thou shant not screwith with thy McMahoniness. Either that, or the hose monkey will become WCW champ.

FIRE BAGWELL AND BRING BACK LUGER!!!! Screw it... what's the worse that can happen?

A NAME, BY ANY OTHER NAME, IS STILL A BAD WCW SHOW

The following names have been named as possible names for WCW's name PPVs, or at least TV shows. Namely: 

WCW Havoc 

WCW Sunday Nitro 

WCW Stars 

WCW Stars? Ewwww.

If you look at the first one and re-arrange the actual noun.... you get WCW Chavo.... thus, Chavo Guerrero is THE NEW KING OF WCW!!!!!

Actually, I got this from pwbts.com, which really is the goddam stupidest name for a web site EVER. Well, other than the loser who named his site Online Onslaught

SELL!! SELL!!! WAIT A MINUTE... BUY!!! BUY!!!

For the past few days, the WWFE stock as been rising and rising. People have been buying it left and right. What do these people know that we don't? Why the interest all of the sudden? Will this mean more jail time for Charlie Sheen? 

Well, IStockForecast, had this to say:

"The catalyst for WWF’s bull run is coming in the form of an unexpected major business announcement involving company operations and corporate structure the company will make later this summer, which will undoubtedly catch many traders by surprise as the upside latent trend gains momentum. WWF officials have so far kept the news under tight wraps to all but a handful of trusted Wall Street analysts and media partners."

Seems that all hell is about to break loose. Something's up.

MANDALAY ENTERTAINMENT HAS JUST PURCHASED THE WWF!!!!!!! YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST!!!

Jason Hervey is now our God.... get used to it.

Hey, I got this one from 411's very own Message Board. WE actually broke a story!!! WE!!! 411!!! HOW 'BOUT DEM APPLES?????? 

WELL, HE'S BACK

Go here. You will find a poster for SummerSlam. The Rock is in it. It says "Finally, The Rock has come back to...".

That wasn't very long a wait, now was it?

BUT, PLUGS

Ron Gamble muses, vents, rages, and pontificates galore in his latest World According to Ron. Ron's dying of Cancer so this is the last column he'll ever write. Please read it.

Cancer.... going to Kentucky. Last column ever.... his schedule will be a day or two off next week so his column will be either earlier or later.... something like that, I forget. 

The Fight Club by Josh Nason is a short little essay on the WWF Style of training against everyplace else. IS the only way to score in the business is by learning how to work the WWF style? Josh says YES!!! Or he might have said NO!!!! He said something, and it's quite interesting.

Finally... he's back, and thank bloody Christ on the bleedin' cross for it...

TAKE US HOME, HONKY!!

The Honky Tonk Man came back from the UK a few days early because SOMEONE SCREWED HIM!!!!!!

Jeeze, he's always getting F**ked.

Anyway, he came rip roaring out of the gate with some commentary on....

Buff Bagwell:

Word is Bagwell got the hell beat out of him by Shane Helms. I guess Bagwell thought he was some kind of expert on the future of Helms, telling him he was no good and was never going to be a star. Words were exchanged and Fagwell got 12 stitches to his head. Way to go Shane, good for you. 

I reported in one of my newsborad posts about two weeks ago that is was a mistake to sign Bagwell. He is a trouble maker and a crybaby. Now his mother is calling the WWF and complaining about little Buff's travel arrangements. Give me a f***g break. Vince will can this little ego manic soon.

My prediction for DDP and Bagwell is: They can't make it on the "outside". "Outside," means with thier heads "outside" Bishoff's ass.

and of course, Jerry Lawler

I wanted to get off this Lawler crying bulls***, but he will not go away. The recent statement issued by this idiot is filled with nothing but contradictions. He must have some balls to go public as he did a few weeks ago bashing Stone Cold, Stephanie McMahon, Chyna and top official Bruce Pritchard. He went so far as to say if Vince was in a car accident, he couldn't care less. This guy is so full of himself with his inflated ego, it is killing him by not being on TV.
Last week he had to issue a statement that he was at a ballgame in NY across from the Madison Square Garden and he had his cell phone clutched to his chest hoping the WWF would call him to "pinch hit" on RAW. WWF didn't bite the hook on that one. If it is Jim Ross who is pulling for Lawler, then Ross should read some of this sh** lawler is throwing out. He is informing the Internet world of all his conversations with the WWF. Vince does not like that kind of junk.

What about the Kat? Lawler says in one breath, the Kat costs WWF nothing since she was on a per show deal. He says it was a great deal for WWF, but the next breath, he is condemning some of the other more talented girls for having contracts. He says he would come back if the Kat comes back. Two sentences later he is saying if the Kat does not get a contract, then he will not come back. Does this goof not realize, Vince just cut Chyna for asking for money. Where in the hell does he think Kitty Kat fits into that picture. 

The worst thing that could happen would be for Vince to bring either of them back. It would show the world and the locker room that Vince folded under pressure from a Queen. Bruce Pritcard is absolutely right when he says the WWF locker room is better off without a sh** disturbing Lawler.

Loser, loser, loser. With the things this guy can come up with, it is no wonder why he did terrible booking of his own territory. And one other thing, he put together a shitty TV talk show in Memphis for his last wife. He had to have her on TV too!! 

Ahem.... Shane McMahon... I got'cher new WCW Color Commentator RIGHT HERE!!!

Thank you.

Well, I even managed to somewhat sober up while doing this... I still need some serious crash time... and maybe a trip to the toilet for a little "oral ejaculation". God Bless Sam Adams... GOD BLESS CHERRY WHEAT!!!

Oh, and for you Canadians.... that War you keep telling me about. The war you say you won... that war is now a decade + 1/2 a year shy of being TWO HUNDRED YEARS OLD!!! There were TWO HUGE World Wars this century.... wars AMERICA won ON IT'S OWN!!! You were too busy hiding under your beds waiting for us to save your asses. Okay? We clear? We are AMERICA!!! We give the world GLOBAL PEACE. You are Canada, you gave the world WILLIAM SHATNER!!!

Thank you.

This is Hyatte